Confessions

Don’t care about any of that.

Don’t care about anyone else because nobody cares about me. My problems won’t be passed onto anyone because they don’t matter. My problems have never mattered to anyone. Everyone always tells me I’m wrong. Well I’m not. I have literally never mattered to anyone on here. I’ve been treated like an outsider this whole time. I’ve never been welcomed. I’ve never been included in anything. Should have never joined stupid TC. I wish I hadn’t. I would be so much happier. You can just delete my account for all I care. I don’t give a sh*t.

You matter to us, remember the weeks you weren't here on NTC? Roman and I worried that something bad happend and we really were relieved when we eard that you were playing cards against humanity with Mew and Loufus, also I was very happy the day you came back on here. I also loved writing our PMs all the time. I really care about you and I think if we wouldn't live in different parts of the world we would be friends. I know how it feels to have no friends, cause I don't have any in my real life too. It's hard, but that's also one of the reasons I come here almost every day. Because people like you, Reagan, Sparkly Abby, Dog Abby, Sydney, Roman, Loufus... You do matter and you are important to people, not to everyone, but that's normal, maybe you don't have many people in your family or your flat or something, but you have people who care about you. I also alwas was and still am an outsider, I know exatly how it feels when you want to be part of a group or just talk with a group, but never get listened to or just get said, no you're uncool, I perfectly know it. Half of the school days I came home and was crying for almost two hours, sometimes longer, because I got bullied or no one wanted to have something to do with me. But that doesn't mean that no one cares about you. Please stay with us.

Also, an impression that people don't care about you or don't have the time to fit you in is more often than not just a narrative our brain has constructed. We see one side of things, our side, and we're able to manipulate situations to match with our feelings. When we're depressed, all we see is busy people who don't look at us. But you can get it so so SO wrong. Often people don't know what to do or what to say, but I guarantee you they will take a 3am 3 hour convo for days on end if it means saving your life. Think about all the people you care about. They might think just like you. Reality is not necessarily our interpretation of it.

I say I hate camping but then I can see how I become a different person while gone. It’s like my mind clears up. I’m not torturing myself with all these what ifs or hearing all these horrible and scary thoughts. For however long we’re gone, I feel like me again. The past couple of days, I feel like I’ve been calmer and kinder, maybe not always, but I’m trying. I’m always so ready to get home because I hate being in this small space and I’m almost never interested in the things my dad wants to do. But then I know that means I’ll become that nasty person again. The one that doesn’t care about anyone else, says the meanest and most hurtful things, and drowns under all the thoughts. Maybe the me I feel like I am now isn’t perfect but I don’t want to lose her tomorrow. Literally every problem in my life is counting on me to continue being this person and improving. I don’t know what I should do when I get home. I don’t even know what it is about camping because I thought some of my problems were caused by my father and living with his temper but it’s just me and him on these trips. Maybe it’s because we get out and do things. At home, I’m either watching tv or switching back and forth through the same 2 apps. It’s boring. It’s meaningless. But I so far haven’t chickened out at the thought of going around to all the antique stores after my therapy appointment on Wednesday and asking if they’re hiring. I’m tired of being stuck at home and that’s not because of the pandemic. That’s because I just haven’t done anything. If being at home is what causes me to be that nasty person, then I want to find a reason to get out.

Thank you. I want to say “for someone to hold my hand Wednesday” but, ya know, cooties and miles get in the way. I want to talk to my therapist about my plans and hopefully I’ll feel a little more brave.

It’s really important to get some fresh air and some exercise. You don’t even have to go camping. Going for a walk is already really helpful. It happens regularly that I really don’t want to leave my apartment. But when I force myself to go outside, it always helps. I leave my phone at home (or just carry it for emergencies). It’s important to really give your mind some space without distractions. That’s why I never listen to music when I run. It’s good to focus on your body and let the thoughts slowly disappear. 
It’s really good that you feel a little better. And don’t let setbacks get to you too much. You can do this. Getting better is like slowly collecting golden coins: one seems insignificant, but before you know it you have a pile and are slowly getting rich.