Rant about your romantic life

Maybe if your girlfriend hates Halloween and gives you green light to go with your friend. But even that would be slightly over the edge.

I mean I do hate Halloween but he never mentioned that to me before mentioning the costume. I've convinced him to find others to join to make it a group costume now so it's not just the two of them so hopefully it's less weird, I just think he was being a bit naive and had been talked into it by the girl.

I wish you luck. If you need to talk, you know a few ways to reach me.

Just logging in real quick on my lunch to update that things are still really good and I'm so happy and just ahhhh

Colin and I met in September of 2016 when I started working at a Domino's (so romantic, fell in love over working together in pizza, I know.) We started dating December of that year and moved in together the following February. We were together for almost 5 years and we were engaged from December 10th, 2020 to August 19th, 2021. Colin has always struggled with mental health/anxiety/depression etc. throughout our entire relationship and before I even knew him. Since he was a teen. I have always, ever since we started going out, asked him to get help. I've always wanted him to. And I'm starting to regret not helping him get help sooner. He broke up with me because he said he's not happy anymore. He said he needs to work on himself. He told me that he has been abusing weed and alcohol every single day since for the past ten years. (Which I was aware of, to be clear.) So I told him that no matter what, I want him to get help. I also told him that I am going to keep fighting for us everyday. Before we initially got together in the first place he said the same exact things. He said that he wasn't sure if he could be in a relationship at the time because of his mental health and everything, but we got together anyway because we loved each other. I was completely aware that this could come up at some point. This breakup wasn't out of nowhere or a shock or anything. He said it wasn't anything that I did. As I briefly mentioned on my original post in this thread about this breakup, it's a little tricky because we still live together (well, not anymore, but that will make sense in chapter 4). Our lease isn't up until December 31st. Both of our names are on the lease. Neither one of us can afford to break the lease early or live here on our own (again, this part is still true, but it will make more sense later on.)

Things were going well, given the situation. We have a 2 bedroom apartment. So obviously, we have a bed in one room and the other room is like an office/music room. I was the one that paid for the bed. So, he told me he wanted me to sleep in the bed that I paid for and that he was gonna sleep on the floor. He told me he wants to make these few months as comfortable as possible for me. During this time we were still talking, trying to make things work even though it was difficult. He didn’t mind that I was fighting for our love. But at the same time I was a complete utter mess after the breakup. I wasn't eating or sleeping for quite a few days.

I was being delusional and hopeful. Living in a fantasy in my head that after he got some help/therapy that he would want to get back together. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to help him get help. The first few days after our breakup he would talk to me, even though he would keep saying he needed some space. He would listen to whatever I had to say. Answer any of my millions of questions. There was hope. It truly seemed like there was a part of him that didn't want to have to be doing or saying any of this. He would say things like "I will always love you, but this is how it is now. I've made up my mind. It's not going to change." through his teeth and say it almost monotone/emotionless. I still truly believe that he didn't want to breakup with the intent of never getting back together. I asked him if he would be happier without me and never really gave a clear answer on that until quite a few more days into the breakup. Then he said he had been thinking about it and he decided that he would be happier without me. But I still had hope. I knew he still loved me, I mean he said he did. He said he always will. He said he still wants to be friends. He said he never wanted to shun me. He still wanted me in his life. We had a strong friendship. There was still hope. Especially knowing that he said he would be staying here until December. In my delusion I figured that was plenty of time for him to get help and to come back around to me.

I, of course, started talking to my cousin (and friends) about all of this and the whole situation. My cousin noticed that on his facebook profile picture one of his friends made dumb comment that was something along the lines of "add a fish to it and make it your tinder profile." (Side note here: the picture was from when we went on a trip together in March and were very much still together, engaged, and it was left by a co-worker of his that very much knew we were engaged at the time.) So, my cousin suggested that I look through his search history because that comment seemed odd. At the time when I originally saw that comment months ago, I thought nothing of it. Colin has never cheated on me. I've never cheated on him. He was cheated on in a previous relationship and was always paranoid that I would cheat on him. And this is where in the original post on this thread I said that I did something in my state of mental distress (wasn’t eating or sleeping) that made him mad. I followed through with that idea. I wasn't thinking straight. I just needed to know if he had a tinder, even though I knew I wasn't gonna find anything. I felt beyond awful that I was doing it. I only scrolled back a few weeks because I just couldn't keep going. I knew it was wrong. I wish I never did it in the first. I'm an idiot for not just asking him about the tinder comment. I regret everything about it.

When he came home that day, I was like "hey I'm doing homework right now but I wanna talk to you, we can talk a little later." and then he was like "well can we talk now because I was gonna go online and whatnot" (he plays online games/discord with friends often). So, when I went to talk to him, I wasn't even going to mention the search history thing. I just wanted to try to fight for us some more. I just wanted to get back together. He wouldn't let me hug him. And then (again, mental distress, no sleep or food, not thinking) I just randomly ended up telling him that I looked at his search history. He replied - I mean yelled - that he is livid. That's when he said any, any chance that we had is gone. It's over. He said from this point on we are roommates and nothing more and after December we will never see each other again. He was beyond angry. And understandably so. I apologized profusely. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't thinking right and that I know it was wrong and that I know that that's not even an excuse. But he just kept yelling. Throughout our relationship and any little minor fight we might've had in the past, he would always tell me I've never heard him truly yell before. Now I have. Now I know what he means by that. He yelled.

Trust is a huge thing for him and even though things are a million times better between us now (sorry, spoilers), that's still something that happened that's in the back of his mind. He can't fully trust me still. I f***ed up big time. He stopped talking to me for quite a few weeks. It was agony. When he would come home from work he wouldn't even look at me. He would just go in the spare room and basically lock himself in there and ignore me. Those were the hardest few weeks of my life. During that time he wasn’t talking to me he was also looking for a place to move and talking to his friends and his sister and her fiancé about living together. He also hung out with someone that he works with that was interested in him. (More on this later).

One night after weeks of silence, I was getting ready for bed and I heard him just completely sobbing in the spare room. So I tried to get him to talk to me, he wouldn't open the door (it was locked) but after a little bit he finally did. He said things along the lines of “I’m an idiot, of course I still love you” etc. He said he didn’t want to lose his best friend. He said that I’m the longest friend he’s ever had because all his other friends are dead. (Morbid, but he has some friends that committed suicide). He essentially wanted to get back together. We went to sleep in the big bed together and had sex and it all seemed well. (I will keep the rest of our sex life out of this story, it was just important to mention here). The next morning he texted me (he was at work, he works at 4am. Just wanna make it clear that he’s not a coward for not saying it to me in person or anything) and he basically broke my heart a second time. He said that before we make things official he needs to know that things will change. He said he got anxiety again after we had sex and still wasn't sure about being in a relationship. So, after that we were at least talking to each other again and trying to just be friends. Which was nice, I knew that there was still a chance of getting back together, I knew that he still loved me deeply but still wanted to focus on himself. And this was back in September, so I knew that there was still 3 months left of living together for him to possibly change his mind.

Shortly before he broke up with me, his parents moved to Arizona. They lived close by and we would see them often, and before we lived together he was living with them. So his parents moving to Arizona is the farthest away he’s ever been from them. Just a little bit shortly after they moved, his younger sister finds out she's pregnant. This is unfortunately not the best news. She is immature and not ready to be a mother. She doesn't take care of herself, she hardly ever showers so she stinks all the time. She has had multiple relationships throughout the duration of mine and Colin's relationship. I couldn't keep up with how many guys. She was only with the baby daddy for less than a month before they got engaged, and then just a few months later she got pregnant. They've only been together for 6 months as of right now. I truly believe a huge part of the reason (not the only reason, or the main reason though) that Colin broke up with me was because of all this change back to back. It's like it freaked him out. Idk. So this is where things with us start to get really complicated. (And side note here, I always feel really bad talking so badly about his sister but these are the same exact things that he says about her. An explanation of her life and bad decisions is an entirely different story on it’s own).

Just shortly after Colin and I started talking again (things were still tough and there was still some tension, but at least effort was being made), Colin's sister and her fiancé were in a really bad living situation. They were living with her fiancé’s psycho mom and she threatened her and her baby. Basically they needed to get out ASAP. At first they were going to move in with us until the end of the year when the lease would be up. But after looking through our lease, that wasn't entirely an option, however you can have guests stay with you for up to 14 days. So, yep. You guessed it. They moved in here October 1st and were here for 2 weeks. That was almost harder than when Colin wasn't talking to me.

The 3 of them found an apartment that would be ready after the 2 weeks were up. So he moved in the middle of October. He said he figured out a way to pay rent in both places for the remaining months. A lot of his stuff is still here. Whenever he has a day off he will come over and grab a few things and we get to hang out. So I still get to see him often, and I have gone to his place a few times now too. He is in a much better place mentally already. So things between us have only been getting better as time goes by.

There is more to this story that I can’t post here. But I will give the most recent update of everything that’s going on and why I’m so happy now even though we still don’t live together and we still aren’t back together. The last time I got to see him in person he said that he does still love me and does still want to be with me, just not right now. He said he has had an opportunity to be with other people. Other people have shown interest in him. (Remember that “date” he went on while not talking to me). And he realized that he wants to be with me instead. He just still wants to focus on himself and figure out to be happy and love himself before being committed to a relationship and love someone else.

The time I saw him in person before that, I asked him that if he still wanted me to wait for him if he could do something for me. This part seems silly, but it was bothering me. I told him “I don’t know if you noticed, but I hid my relationship status on facebook. I’m not interested in finding anybody else. And I will wait for you. I want to wait for you. I was wondering if you could also hide yours if you want me to wait for you.” And he said that he would do that. I was checking everyday and it would still say “single” and it would hurt my heart everytime. Then the morning of the last time I saw him in person, I noticed that he changed it. That day was so good.

When he came over he wanted to go to the mall first and then come back to pack some stuff. At the mall he mentioned how once he will be paying less in rent he’s gonna save up for a vacation next year and wants to take me with him. That made me so happy. Then when we got back we hung out a little bit more (had some lunch) and he started packing. After he was done packing is when we had a really good conversation. That’s when he said he wants to be with me. He told me he started going to church and did the confessional thing and talked to them about how we were engaged at one point. That’s when he realized he wants a future together. I told him I would start going to church with him, I already happen to have Sunday’s off so it’s perfect. So starting next Sunday we will be doing that. I also brought up couples counseling (which I have mentioned a million times, even long before the breakup, and he would always immediately shut it down just like he would therapy). But he finally seems open to that idea.

Between a program/counseling through his work, online therapy, and church, he is finally getting the help he has needed and it has made a huge difference. I can tell he’s happier. And every conversation we’ve had since that last time I saw him in person he has been a lot flirtier and it’s nice. I was telling my friend about that the other day and she said “so you guys are basically together but without a label?” and I think she was spot on. I told him that I’m okay with taking things slow and more casual if that’s what he wants. Throughout all of this I have told him I’m doing whatever he wants and whatever he is comfortable with because he knows that I still want to marry him and start a family with him.

“I feel like it’s the cliché of how you can’t love anyone unless you love yourself. It just breaks me to know that I feel incapable of doing that for myself truly, and I don’t know why.”
-Colin (my future husband and baby daddy)

I’m sure there are many things I have left out, as you can see this is a lot. A huge complicated mess as I have said. Feel free to ask questions. (I’ll be shocked if anyone actually reads this novel )

I feel the exact same way about everything you've said. I have more to add but I've lost way too many friendships by saying too much about their relationship.

I’m really good with being single but lately I’ve been toying with the idea of how cool it would be to find your person and just vibe together… like I dunno, dating as a whole sounds so weird to me but like falling in love with your best friend seems pretty amazing. So… one of my closest friends has been into me for awhile but I told him a few months ago that I was off the market and now that I’m on the market… I think we’re dating XD I dunno, I just get so much anxiety about these things. He’s absolutely perfect for me and everything I’m looking for in a practical sense and I like him a lot of course, we’re good friends. But I feel like, well I know that, he’s way more into me than I am into him and while we agreed to take things slow because I really just want something casual and he’s cool with that, and he’s in no way making it weird or pressuring me like the last guy I dated awhile ago, it still feels really weird I’m just a really independent person who really likes her alone time and I have no interest in being attached at the hip, which we’re not, but I guess I fear that it could lead there. I have some friends in really good relationships but they seem so gross to me as an outsider, all the mushy crap and calling each other baby… I really don’t want that for my own relationship . He says I’m pretty and it makes me a little uncomfortable not really because he says it but like I don’t really know what to say… I don’t really agree but I don’t want to get into one of those weird arguments about it. Telling each other good morning and when we’re busy and when we’re going to bed makes sense because I don’t want to leave him hanging but also just… mpphh. I just feel like I’m really bad at the whole girlfriend thing and don’t really have any desire to be better. Our mutual friend told me he said that I’m everything he wants and he only has eyes for me and I believe it, but I also don’t quite understand it? Like I’m just not that great and I’m so anxious and I really don’t understand why he would want to be with me XD he’s super happy about getting together and I’m really okay and way better than I’d thought I be, and I definitely like him and wouldn’t want to date anyone else, but I don’t think I’m catching feels quite as hard as he is. I think he thinks about me a lot when we’re not talking and I think about him a lot too but I’m mostly thinking about how strange this all is and where it’s going and what I’m doing wrong. I don’t really think it’s him, it’s just me and how much I despise dating. Not that much has really even changed since we went from friends to dating as we’ve always kinda been into each other so I don’t know why I’m being so weird about it XD