Spam Your Feelings

if you start feeling it's wrong to use this website, we're all in trouble

it worked?

For once I feel happy for a month to end. It's officially December 1st here too now. I love Christmas and the holidays and winter anyways, but after last month being so terrible (with 'Taylor Connect' closing, terrible tour dates, terrible ticket prices, etc.), I hope that December will be much better than the last month. It's like a fresh start because November was terrible and it's December now. I hate the fact that its December already because of time going by so fast, but I'm just happy to be out of the month of November which was so terrible this year...

My eyes are really starting to get heavy. I might have to give in to sleep soon. I guess crying a lot helps you sleep as it makes your eyes tired.

So I haven't been myself lately, well, I thought I was feeling better but something about old TC going down made me feel horrible again. A few days ago, I was feeling extremely alone and invisible and my solution was poor: blame everyone and shut everyone out even though people were trying to help me. I don't know, something about tonight made me feel like that again. I guess watching everyone share their memories and be so upset over this website closing it just made me feel disconnected and left-out but that's my fault not y'alls since I joined late. I didn't have time to get to know everyone and create all these memories. I think tonight I thought I still wouldn't get that chance even with this new forum since old friends were coming back and people were reconnecting. I guess I've been feeling tossed to the side lately and only wanted when someone wanted/needed something from me or literally had no one else to talk to. It doesn't feel good to be a last option... That and I just feel forgotten about sometimes like I'm not as cool and interesting as everyone else. Because I know I'm not, with me, all it really is is an extreme love for Taylor Swift and 5 Seconds of Summer. I don't think there's a single interesting thing about me because I don't do anything. I literally sit at home everyday since I've graduated (back in 2015) scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, here, maybe watch T.V. and that's it. I might would be in college if I didn't talk myself out of every career I thought of or had supporting parents. Speaking of parents, it's a nasty feeling when you realize you sort of relate to Broken Home by 5 Seconds of Summer minus the screaming and yelling parents. Mine don't verbally fight but I'm not stupid, I can tell they aren't in love and sometimes I wonder if they ever were. My mom even told one of my sisters that she would file for a divorce if he got angry at her for no reason again because my dad has a bad temper and it doesn't take much to set him off but he has never hit us or my mom, just yelling and cursing. I don't know what would happen if they divorced. I guess I understand why my oldest sister wanted to move out as soon as possible and why my other sister is almost always at her boyfriend's house. If I had my license, I could try and get a job and maybe move out one day but any motivation to drive, get a job, decide what to go to college for, basically all the adult things, is completely gone. I feel like such a loser at times. Especially scrolling through social media and seeing which one of my high school friends is engaged/pregnant today or finishing up a quarter at college. Not saying I want to be engaged or pregnant at 20 but that's also another thing that makes me feel like a loser, being 20 years old and never having a boyfriend. Like, is there something wrong with me? Am I just that unappealing to guys? I know it doesn't help that I don't go out, ever, but even if I did, it's not like I would walk up to a guy and strike up a conversation. Too shy and awkward for that. I try and tell myself that being in a relationship is not all that and I try to remind myself about Taylor saying you can be happy and not be in a relationship but I feel like everyone around me has been in one and most of them look incredibly happy and I want to experience that and I'm absolutely terrified that I never will. Not too long ago, my oldest sister found an old picture of her ex boyfriend meeting our grandma for the first time and I just started crying right then. She had passed away last year and this happened earlier this year and I realized I would never get the chance to introduce my first boyfriend to my grandma like my sisters. I would never get to see her face light up when meeting him or hear her tease me about him proposing to me one day. But I always think about stuff like that. Like how I'll never go to her house on a Sunday again, or spend Easter, 4th of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. with her, or help her decorate her tiny Christmas tree and see it in her window when we pulled up, or hug her and get a kiss (and a lipstick stain) on my cheek, or hear her say 'I love you darlin' ', or see her sitting in her pew at her church, and I would never ever hear her say she was proud of me again. I could care less about a boyfriend, license, job, even meeting Taylor if it meant I could get my grandma back or at least one more day with her because I hate myself so much for not holding her hand the last time I saw her or giving her one last hug. No, instead, I wanted out of that room as soon as possible and I left her there in that disgusting excuse they called a nursing home. Sometimes I wonder if she would still be alive if they had done their job correctly. But that's all, that's what really affects me the most is not having my grandma anymore. Nothing has felt the same since she passed away. VERY VERY SORRY FOR THIS LONG VENT THING BUT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN WEIGHING ON ME FOR QUITE A WHILE AND WILL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO DO SO... Also, if you want to respond to this a pm would probably be better so this doesn't clunk up the thread...

If my mood was a rate of 1-10, I’m a constant 5. It’s not fun